Haha my last post

6 months ago. By the way...ive gained 8lbs more since then, so much for new year's resolutions huh? lol I HATE exercise. Let's get real. :) Also, still in love with my beautiful man, Chris. And also, still totally a Geek. Can't seem to run from that anyways. :) More posts to come. I'm in the blogging mood again, I think lol. I've got an actual computer now so I think that helps lol.

negatives

just having a rough emotional day. Either I cry 😿 or shut down. So good night....

passion

I really think the reason why I need urban fantasy, sci-fi, and medieval fiction is because I need something to satisfy the gaping emptiness that reality has left me with. This hope that one day ill be more than this hopeless person who's only thing in life is to pay bills, reproduce, and die. The only realistic console I get is through animals but to normal people I'm crazy loon because of that too. My boyfriend is such a passionate anarchist with idealism within his reach. He's not always happy either but I think regular idiotic people have a lot to do with that. And when he speaks about his idealism of connected human beings, and how politics are so corrupt, and we as a human race are just a bacteria culture to the rest of the universe, I'm just Amazed. I'm dumbfounded, and interested and enjoy and revel in his beautiful mind, but most of all I'm jealous of the passion behind it. I lack passion sometimes. I mean I am passionate about things but they all soon fade away as such phases do but he has that everlasting passion and that is what I crave. I wwnt to do something, say something, see something, that makes my heart swell and has true beneficiaries to this place and too my life. That is so hard though when you don't even know what truly makes you happy.. I thought I did but I'm not so sure any more.

Picket Fence

I've had a really good two weeks. Chris and i have gotten along famously. The dog and I are bonding more than ever. My music love ❤ has really been expanding. Work at the vet clinic has been satisfying. I found a new tv show today. Chris and I are making the house more..."us". I mean right this moment in really sleepy but that's a good thing, I think. I'm just happy I get to write a positive post for the first time in a while. I've been trying to read Alice in wonderland and other stories. Tomorrow is suppose to be cold and sleeting so I think ill make tea first thing in the morning and read and blog all day. ☕ 😊 💤

Carpe Diem

Why does it always end like this, where the only time i can have real thoughts is on paper, blog, or text message. I feel too much and can't share feelings through speech anymore. So, I guess what's on my mind is I don't like to spend time alone, I'm stubborn, and there's a million things that keep from going well into relationships. I've never truly been alone in my entire life. And to be honest it's totally scary, maybe I'll hate myself, but what if I love myself so much I become narcissistic. Because let's be honest, we all get lost in the hype of we're suppose to look, act, a be this certain way that society has created. I'm not that way, I love more, I love my simplistic life. Where I've been only through a few relationships, been married, going through divorce, in a good relationship that makes me question my own personality sometimes. I'm needy and sometimes suffocating but that's me. I can only temporarily stop being me. I'm messy. I'm not really all that creative, but I'm damn good at appreciating and falling in love with other artists works. I feel that life's short and I should always be able to do what I want. Also, there's things I want to do but I don't know how to be me. I guess what I'm saying is maybe I should just do things for me. For instance my boyfriend and I have so many things that we don't agree on. And we don't fight bad, it's just constant tension, I think it has a lot do with he knows who is and I have no clue. So, I'm thinking about going to some hiking trails around the area by myself. So what if i get lost? Who cares? I've been thinking about for a while. All it's going to do is cost me is gas money so why wait on other people...? One thing that we argue about is how the house is messy and there's dog hair everywhere,,to me that just means its a happy home, happy family but I guess I'm living in  my own little world and illusion.  So what if I am? Well I could end up alone.

 

Self-Hate

Truth. I rely on praise in order to be happy. I've never been good enough for anyone. They always start out loving me (even my own blood) and then as they get to know me they turn from me. An abusive drunk has better luck at keeping someone loving them, than I do. All I do is pity myself. What kind of life do I make for myself? It's always me, me, me and I need to change. I have problems giving material things and parts of my soul. I've been let down so many times that I'm sure if I love all proper like anymore. I love him and he's the best I've ever had but even for him and I can't evolve into his dream for him. I'm just here...FUCKING BROKEN.  I couldn't even hurt myself to save the life of the one I love the most. Where does that leave them? I can tell you. I'm a BLACKHOLE and they're just the surrounding matter around me.

I want to take my love and hate you until the end.

I go through these phases. I can't emotionally deal with life correctly. I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in and I'm still finding things in my life that make me sad. Mostly because a shrink would tell me I'm not happy with myself but how do I figure out what makes me happy? Succeeding, promotion, and money. I have none of this. Wish I could change myself, but a tiger never really changes their stripes, do they?