Carpe Diem

Why does it always end like this, where the only time i can have real thoughts is on paper, blog, or text message. I feel too much and can't share feelings through speech anymore. So, I guess what's on my mind is I don't like to spend time alone, I'm stubborn, and there's a million things that keep from going well into relationships. I've never truly been alone in my entire life. And to be honest it's totally scary, maybe I'll hate myself, but what if I love myself so much I become narcissistic. Because let's be honest, we all get lost in the hype of we're suppose to look, act, a be this certain way that society has created. I'm not that way, I love more, I love my simplistic life. Where I've been only through a few relationships, been married, going through divorce, in a good relationship that makes me question my own personality sometimes. I'm needy and sometimes suffocating but that's me. I can only temporarily stop being me. I'm messy. I'm not really all that creative, but I'm damn good at appreciating and falling in love with other artists works. I feel that life's short and I should always be able to do what I want. Also, there's things I want to do but I don't know how to be me. I guess what I'm saying is maybe I should just do things for me. For instance my boyfriend and I have so many things that we don't agree on. And we don't fight bad, it's just constant tension, I think it has a lot do with he knows who is and I have no clue. So, I'm thinking about going to some hiking trails around the area by myself. So what if i get lost? Who cares? I've been thinking about for a while. All it's going to do is cost me is gas money so why wait on other people...? One thing that we argue about is how the house is messy and there's dog hair everywhere,,to me that just means its a happy home, happy family but I guess I'm living in  my own little world and illusion.  So what if I am? Well I could end up alone.