Self-Hate

Truth. I rely on praise in order to be happy. I've never been good enough for anyone. They always start out loving me (even my own blood) and then as they get to know me they turn from me. An abusive drunk has better luck at keeping someone loving them, than I do. All I do is pity myself. What kind of life do I make for myself? It's always me, me, me and I need to change. I have problems giving material things and parts of my soul. I've been let down so many times that I'm sure if I love all proper like anymore. I love him and he's the best I've ever had but even for him and I can't evolve into his dream for him. I'm just here...FUCKING BROKEN.  I couldn't even hurt myself to save the life of the one I love the most. Where does that leave them? I can tell you. I'm a BLACKHOLE and they're just the surrounding matter around me.

I want to take my love and hate you until the end.

I go through these phases. I can't emotionally deal with life correctly. I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in and I'm still finding things in my life that make me sad. Mostly because a shrink would tell me I'm not happy with myself but how do I figure out what makes me happy? Succeeding, promotion, and money. I have none of this. Wish I could change myself, but a tiger never really changes their stripes, do they?

Explantion of myself

People may think I ride the fence or I can't make up mind and maybe this is true, but you have to realize what's going on beneath the surface of my soul:

It's like when two hawks are fighting in the air...their talons locked and not knowing if they're going to be able to release theirs claws from each other. Each one desperately trying to prove that they are stronger and more dominant than the other, but there's always the uncertainty of not knowing if you're going to win, die, or barely survive by the skin of your teeth. My hawks are like that. One hawk is the loving and all forgiving hero that usually wins the fight but sometimes my dark ruthless side will win. I never truly know which hawk my thoughts or actions truly come from....