negatives

just having a rough emotional day. Either I cry 😿 or shut down. So good night....

passion

I really think the reason why I need urban fantasy, sci-fi, and medieval fiction is because I need something to satisfy the gaping emptiness that reality has left me with. This hope that one day ill be more than this hopeless person who's only thing in life is to pay bills, reproduce, and die. The only realistic console I get is through animals but to normal people I'm crazy loon because of that too. My boyfriend is such a passionate anarchist with idealism within his reach. He's not always happy either but I think regular idiotic people have a lot to do with that. And when he speaks about his idealism of connected human beings, and how politics are so corrupt, and we as a human race are just a bacteria culture to the rest of the universe, I'm just Amazed. I'm dumbfounded, and interested and enjoy and revel in his beautiful mind, but most of all I'm jealous of the passion behind it. I lack passion sometimes. I mean I am passionate about things but they all soon fade away as such phases do but he has that everlasting passion and that is what I crave. I wwnt to do something, say something, see something, that makes my heart swell and has true beneficiaries to this place and too my life. That is so hard though when you don't even know what truly makes you happy.. I thought I did but I'm not so sure any more.

Picket Fence

I've had a really good two weeks. Chris and i have gotten along famously. The dog and I are bonding more than ever. My music love ❤ has really been expanding. Work at the vet clinic has been satisfying. I found a new tv show today. Chris and I are making the house more..."us". I mean right this moment in really sleepy but that's a good thing, I think. I'm just happy I get to write a positive post for the first time in a while. I've been trying to read Alice in wonderland and other stories. Tomorrow is suppose to be cold and sleeting so I think ill make tea first thing in the morning and read and blog all day. ☕ 😊 💤

Carpe Diem

Why does it always end like this, where the only time i can have real thoughts is on paper, blog, or text message. I feel too much and can't share feelings through speech anymore. So, I guess what's on my mind is I don't like to spend time alone, I'm stubborn, and there's a million things that keep from going well into relationships. I've never truly been alone in my entire life. And to be honest it's totally scary, maybe I'll hate myself, but what if I love myself so much I become narcissistic. Because let's be honest, we all get lost in the hype of we're suppose to look, act, a be this certain way that society has created. I'm not that way, I love more, I love my simplistic life. Where I've been only through a few relationships, been married, going through divorce, in a good relationship that makes me question my own personality sometimes. I'm needy and sometimes suffocating but that's me. I can only temporarily stop being me. I'm messy. I'm not really all that creative, but I'm damn good at appreciating and falling in love with other artists works. I feel that life's short and I should always be able to do what I want. Also, there's things I want to do but I don't know how to be me. I guess what I'm saying is maybe I should just do things for me. For instance my boyfriend and I have so many things that we don't agree on. And we don't fight bad, it's just constant tension, I think it has a lot do with he knows who is and I have no clue. So, I'm thinking about going to some hiking trails around the area by myself. So what if i get lost? Who cares? I've been thinking about for a while. All it's going to do is cost me is gas money so why wait on other people...? One thing that we argue about is how the house is messy and there's dog hair everywhere,,to me that just means its a happy home, happy family but I guess I'm living in  my own little world and illusion.  So what if I am? Well I could end up alone.